Why HSPs Have Trouble With Controlling People

Maria HillCreativity, Emotional And Mental Health22 Comments

If you are alive, you have met controlling people. Controlling people can drive anyone crazy, but If you are a highly sensitive person, you may find the effect of controlling very difficult to live with. Controlling people can certainly have that effect on me. Controlling people will probably not understand why their behavior is problematic for you, the HSP. Each HSP, however, needs to understand that controlling people can be very bad for their health. Why Do People Control? Most people only want to be happy. Many believe that controlling themselves and others is a method to achieve the desired result of happiness. Some of the reasons people try to control others include: they have low amounts of trust possible because of negative experiences they think they are more competent they have deep seated prejudices about right and wrong they have been taught fear they perceive themselves as better and/or more “normal” than others  Controlling people sometimes assume that others want and need what they want and need. Although we all have needs and desires in common, over generalizing about other people is a mistake that controlling people often make. Controlling people often treat others as an extension of their needs and desires. In extreme cases, the person is narcissistic in demanding that they be catered to. So one reason that controlling people control is to get their needs met. The Hidden Agenda Of Controlling People It is fairly easy to recognize that controlling people are trying to get their needs met as we have discussed. Controlling behavior also has a social function: to maintain their comfort level which they do by enforcing social norms and conforming behavior. One thing I have noticed about controlling people is that they often have a wall around them. You can detect it in … Read More

Masking Our Sensitivity

Edward BonapartianCreativity, Emotional And Mental Health, HSP Traits12 Comments

It’s two days before Halloween as my wife and I head to our favorite Italian restaurant in the city.  Entering the foyer of the restaurant, I notice a message written on the chalkboard listing the night’s specials. In addition to mussels with plenty of garlic and Venetian zuppa de peoci soup, a psychic is also on the menu tonight. “This should be good”, I tell my wife as we walk through the dimly lit dining room to a booth along the far wall. I had recognized the psychic’s name written on the chalkboard; a local woman named Carol well known in the area for her accurate readings on a local radio show. Our antipasto has just been served as the nights entertainment begins. Sitting on a stool in the front of the room, I notice as Carol politely refuses an appetizer brought over by the owner stating that she doesn’t eat before reading for people. Noticing the owner’s surprise she explains that the food will make her sleepy and affect her energy. It was an awkward moment; the food in this restaurant was some of the best in the area and I don’t think the owner ever had one of his dishes refused especially when he decides to serve it to her personally. But she stayed true to herself; not letting social pressures distract her from the job at hand. Taking note of her behavior, I was pleased to see her actions embrace her identity. Our main course was served as Carol began to walk around the room, stopping at each table. Since we were sitting over by a far wall, we had pretty well finished our meal by the time she arrived. Talking to my wife first, she addressed some health and career concerns my wife had before turning … Read More

Unfreeze Those Feelings

Maria HillEmotional And Mental Health, Personal Development0 Comments

To a child all feelings may seem huge, since they feel so small – and are. Children are very natural about their feelings. They experience them and let them go. Unfortunately, it does not take long before we learn that our feelings are unwanted and inconvenient. Then we start to reject them and hold them in with all the negative effects that brings. What Happens To Our Feelings? Our feelings become objectified. We learn to treat them like objects at a store, some unwanted and others preferred as demonstrated to us by our families and educators. And so the stress starts. According to Yogi Amrit Desai, founder of Kripalu Yoga in a June, 2010 article in Natural Awakenings, Healing the Root Cause of Addiction with Ayurveda A Natural Cure for Unhealthy Dependence by Linda Sechrist,   “It is important to recognize that most people don’t know the difference between tension and stress… He observes that stressors—thoughts and reactions to our lifestyle, relationships, work environment and family life—are introduced through the ego mind. Emotionally charged thoughts and feelings of blame, shame or guilt then get metabolized into our biological body system. Stored in the form of toxins and neuro-glandular imbalances, these feelings create energy blocks that prevent the free flow of energy, or prana, the body’s self-healing wisdom. Energy blocks may take the form of muscular tensions and weakness in liver, kidney and digestive functions. Gradual decline results in a progressive deterioration of biological processes and consequently can manifest in external symptoms of fatigue, fear, anxiety and insecurity.” Essentially we are socialized to have certain emotions and reject others and our unwanted emotions then get stuck in our bodies and gradually make us sick. Why Rejecting Feelings Is A Mistake When we reject our feelings, we cannot own them and process them. When we are processing our feelings, we take them in, … Read More

Protect Your Life Force: Awareness For HSPs

Maria HillEmotional And Mental Health, Energy Healing0 Comments

Our life force is our energy. As a highly sensitive person, I am very energy sensitive as I am sure you are. Being energy sensitive means noticing the claims and demands on our energy from others. Protecting our life force and being good stewards of our life gift is our job. However being an HSP makes this a particularly challenging job. There are many ways to deal with interpersonal claims for our time and energy. One way is to be aware of ways in which someone can try to lay claim to our life force. Ways Of Laying Claim To The Life Force Of Another There are many ways to lay claim to the energies of another person. Some you will have experienced and others you may use yourself. This list is not exhaustive but it will help you notice when it is happening: expectations. This is one we all do at some point or another, perhaps even all the time. We form expectations and they then run our relationships. fear. One of the easiest ways to lay claim to another’s life force is by creating fear, or putting your fear on them. guilt. One of the big energy thieves of modern life, with guilt we put the burden of our life on someone else. promises. When we make promises and do not keep them, we are stealing someone else’s life force, by pretending a level of relationship that we are not willing to maintain. demands. When we make demands, we are being entitled to the time, energy and labor of another. values. Values are a very useful tool in managing our lives and commitments. However, when we impose our values on others we are demanding that they live on our terms. Even if we have great values, it is important to honor the dignity … Read More

The Safety Of The Good

Maria HillEmotional And Mental Health2 Comments

photo credit: catnapping The safety of the good,  it is a natural attraction. Do you seek harmony – or the good – especially in your relationships? Many of us, especially HSP’s do. If I examine my experience, I notice how often I feel an inner pull towards the good and working with others. Working with seems natural. Working against does not. Working with feels good; working against does not. Our Early Need For The Good As children we need to harmonize with our social group –  in particular our parents and family  – because it is a matter of life and death. We also have an instinctive awareness and need for the goodness in ourselves and in others to be real. We are all born with a naturally open and trusting attitude toward the world . Our trust is our psychological safety.  Therefore, when we are treated poorly, we maintain the “trust”  by assuming, often with encouragement from our caretakers, that the defect lies with us.  When our need for a caring, encouraging and  supportive environment is challenged in childhood, a young person is often made to believe that their expectation and values are problematic or wrong.  I certainly was. Too often we are taught that the good in the world and ourselves is a scarce commodity which sets up the power over others dynamic that creates the struggle and misery called reality.  It turns the “bad” into something abundant and dependable and the good into something that cannot be trusted and something scarce. Even worse, the abundant good becomes something we are expected to earn. Reality becomes a form of misery and our wires get crossed. The Frame Of Reality Perceptions about reality are passed from one generation to the next. In good faith we often take our attitudinal … Read More

Naysayers And HSPs

Maria HillEmotional And Mental Health0 Comments

Do naysayers drive you up the wall? Highly sensitive people can have difficulty with naysayers. Particularly if they consider themselves wiser than the naysayers – which, frankly, can be quite often. Some people are habitually negative. Sensitive people may have difficulty with those who are habitually negative because they have the capacity for and access to a more nuanced perspective. As a result, highly sensitive people tend to seek and offer insights which are not always welcome. HSPs inevitably include as much information as possible in their decision making especially all the information in their awareness they have no choice but to deal with.  If you take in or are aware of huge amounts of information, your perception will be informed by all of those inputs. HSPs often have a deeper and more complex understanding than others. The result is that HSPs often feel at odds with rule makers, gatekeepers, and other authority figures without really having an interest in conflict. One of the unfortunate consequences is that many people perceive highly sensitive people as difficult when in reality many HSPs dislike conflict. The dilemma of highly sensitive people and naysayers is not a superficial one. Naysaying is often a knee-jerk reaction to a behavior, a change or a need.  It is often conditioned behavior based on individual and cultural habits. It is often defensive. HSPs who are inundated with all sorts of information, both habitual and less noticed, do not have the luxury of mindless obedience. The situation for the highly sensitive is further complicated because their sensitivity increases and supports their awareness and integrity, which then makes them at odds with the more conforming members of society. It also makes conversation difficult.  Inevitably highly sensitive people cannot help but be on a different wavelength.  Trying to share that wavelength … Read More